FORGIVENESS

Historically, we, as a nation have struggled with prejudice, segregation, slavery, death, pain, anger and revenge.   We also experienced love, laughter, gratitude and joy.   Our children have learned behaviorally how to adapt to certain situations where they have felt wronged by someone.    Perhaps in some instances they have learned to harbor resentment and in other cases forgiven the person.  What is forgiveness?  How can we teach our children to forgive?

Virtue In A Pocket is designed to focus on seven virtues.   Each virtue was thoughtfully selected based on classroom observation and best teaching practices.   Each virtue has a set of tools that are designed to catapult a child into his or her authentic state of being.   To date,  forgiveness has been one of the most challenging virtues to teach and yet the most rewarding.  

While on my journey in discovering the missing component of what forgiveness is,  I have found ownership is the root of letting it all go.

 A course in Miracles states:   “ I am responsible for everything I see.  I choose the feelings I experience, and I decide upon the goal I would achieve.  And everything that seems to happen to me I ask for, and receive as I have asked.”  

Currently in my classroom there are students who come to school without the tools they need to function as a learner.  They often asks a friend to borrow paper and or a pen.  In response to their request the giver at times becomes angry and annoyed.   One day I decided to  ask a student the following question:  “why do you get so angry when he asked you for paper?” she responded, “because, he is never prepared.”  My follow-up question to her was “how are you supporting him in taking ownership for being unprepared for class?”  She responded by saying “I am not.”  Later on in the day she exhibited resentment toward him for drawing attention to the situation.   So I asked her how is she responsible for the experience.   With much hesitation and discomfort she said, “because I always give him paper."   Once she realized she was the cause and took ownership of the situation she was playing around and laughing with him once again.  

Forgiveness is taking ownership for one’s actions and letting go of the guilt, shame, resentment, bitterness, or any negative thought that is causing the thinker pain.  The thinker is you.  Some researchers believe that holding on to grudges can be harmful to the body.  There have been studies on the value of forgiveness and health.  Some studies reveal that forgiving people are less likely to have high blood pressure.  Others say it affects your mood. 

I have another student in my class who is one of the most sweetest, kind- hearted, generous individuals I know.   Last week she came to school angry.   I thought it was odd and at the same time normal teenage behavior so I ignored it for a few minutes to see if it would pass.  Fifteen minutes into the class she began to have small outbursts of anger toward herself and others.  Her dear friends were hesitant to ask her anything for fear of her response.  I walked up to her and asked her if I could support her in any way, she said no.  So I left her alone 

Two days later I asked the class to line up outside the classroom door. They were talking to each other in high pitched voices. The noise became louder than usual so I exited the room to observe what was going on.  There she was standing on line with worry written all over her face.   Her forehead was dripping wet and she complained about how hot it was.  I asked everyone to go inside  except for her.  I asked her what is wrong, she said nothing.  She said "my dad has been asking me the same question and I really don’t know the answer."  I had to attend to the class so I asked her if she was feeling o.k.   She complained about cramps and refused to tell me what was happening.  I asked her one simple question:  What can you do to change the way you are feeling right now?  Before she could respond I invited her to get a drink of water before she entered the class. 

She returned to class in wonderment.   I could see her brain in motion as she thought about what could be done to change her mood.  As she left the classroom I whispered to her “you are responsible for everything you experience.”  She appeared to be annoyed with the statement or me,  but continued her journey of self-discovery.  By the end of the week she sat quietly.  She never gave me a answer and I didn’t ask for one.   Forgiveness is awareness of the inner pain and the willingness to give it forth.  It is a decision on whether to remain in the experience of pain or surrender to the desired feelings and emotions.

Sometimes we allow ourselves to become puppets of the past, controlled by the memory of pain and hurt.   We could teach our children to become puppeteers.   As a puppeteer they have the ability to create the audience, the stage and characters.   So the next time your child is bothered by something and is too afraid to tell you what it is create a puppet show.  It is a way to give them a voice on a stage. 

Thich Nhat Hanh said “forgiveness will not be possible until compassion is born in your heart.”   Teach kids to be compassionate.  My children have observed my personal struggle with forgiveness  and have opened their hearts to feel the feelings and experience the loss I once felt.   They share their personal stories with me as a way to open my own heart to forgiveness. 

Robert Elright at the University of Wisconsin said in the movie The Power of Forgiveness “we pass on the injustices to our children."  In my opinion we also pass on the knowledge of forgiveness, like the Amish people who forgave Charles Roberts for entering their community with a shot gun, killed 10 young girls in a small school house and then killed himself.

I am convinced my children and I are one.  There is never an experience I endure that they are not a part of cosmically.   They are my biggest teachers in everything, especially forgiveness.  Whenever I think about discussing their own past behaviors with them, or if I attempt to make a decision in the present based on something they did in the past they address it right away.   My children have taught me that  forgiveness is not pretending that something never happened.   Forgiveness is expressing the emotions without attack.   Forgiveness is within.

Listen to your children with an open heart and a willingness to learn.  They are always right. Like the Amish people, let us all strive to be compassionate.  It is the medicine for pain.